I'm currently sitting at a table outside of the resort house here in Laguna. I have Blacktron, my netbook, set up out here with my SmartBro USB modem hooked up and running well and a San Mig light at my side. The breeze is cool and quite lovely and the weather overall is great. As much as I hate leaving the comfort of the city and all its technological amenities that I've grown (severely) attached to, I have to admit that it's nice to occasionally leave the city like this and semi get away from it all. Given the fact that I am now capable of mobile internet browsing, well, I'm not exactly roughing it, now am I?

Christmas Day was all about eating. Today has been mostly about travel with a generous amount of eating still but now that the travel is over, it's not just time to relax. I wish I could go out of town with friends in this manner soon - it's a fun experience despite the stress related with travel. Then again, I can find something stressful about almost everything, haha. I realize that other than a few company outings and trips to Laiya earlier in the year, I haven't traveled as much as I have in previous years. This has resulted in significant cost-savings for sure, but then I guess even a stressed-out city junkie like me can miss travel, too. I don't think I'm feeling anything like wanderlust to any degree, but I am enjoying being out of town. Perhaps I need to put more effort in travel next year - the SmartBro should help with that.

I just downloaded Jason Mraz's "Selections For Friends", which is a collection of live performance of older songs. Add in the second CD of the limited edition "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things" which has similar content, and I have a pretty chill playlist. It's funny how much I've fallen in love with Jason Mraz in recent years, sadly because of a friend who is no longer quite as friendly as we used to be. Ah well, I choose to believe that there's a reason for everything that happens in the life we live on this little ball of dirt and perhaps the loss of such a friend will make sense in the far future. In the meantime, I appreciate his gift to me - a deep love and appreciation for this silken-voiced singer who has a love for hats.

We're only going to be here until tomorrow and many would argue that I should be making the most of things by swimming or getting into some other activity that is more outdoor-ish or perhaps more specific to the area being visited. But then again anyone who has ever traveled with me will know that I'm perfectly happy finding a nice spot to read a book, a place to fire up the netbook to find internet signal or an area that I can explore with a camera. I'm not very sociable - so sue me. I just like exploring new locales in my own way, which often doesn't involve other people. Sure, eventually gathering with whoever else were traveling with later in the evening for drinks and such is fun and I'll be game for that, but the rest of the day will be dedicated to almost solitary exploration of the world around. But hey, that's me.

I definitely need to visit a beach next year. It doesn't have to be during the summer - I just need a chance to reconnect with the sand, get my feet wet and maybe get a bit of a tan as well. 365 days can be a very long span of time - I'm sure we'll figure something out, eh?

---

Oh Pig, you poor little thing.

Tags: comics, family, jason mraz, music, pearls before swine, techie, thoughts, travel
Current Location: Calamba, Laguna
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Jason Mraz - 10,000 Motherfuckers [LIVE FROM MONTALVO]

Instead of traditional birthday greetings, here's a comic for all you December 25 celebrants:



Today has been a pretty lazy Christmas. I'm not complaining, mind you. It's all good.

Today I have been busy with one of several activities. Mostly, I've been here at the dining table with Blacktron set up here, surfing the web and exchanging greetings with friends and family online. I've also been eating, as is traditional come Christmas I suppose, but then that's not a new thing. I just woke up now since I've also been sleeping, enjoying the lazy day. The only new activity this year has been helping Mom cook whether it's frying packaged tocino or chopping lots and lots of tomatoes for fresh salsa. It's been a good day.

I realized today that while we don't actually do the traditional noche buena concept, the non-stop eating is not unique to the holidays. It's just how things are at home - Mom always wants to make sure there's enough food for everyone and given our combined appetites, this means a LOT of food. She started yesterday with Mexican Relish and potato salad. Today she added a second batch of relish, I cooked tocino and Mom also made giniling. Oh, and don't forget the fresh salsa to go with her Tostitos. Plus there have been incidental items like bagels with cream cheese, coffee with chocolate covered biscuits or even some Camembert cheese (although Mom had wanted Brie).

Blacktron has been very helpful in the trip thus far. Beyond making sure that I still remain connected to the online world, it's also helped ensure that my sister is "with us" in a way since she wasn't able to come home for the holidays this year. This has resulted in Blacktron acting as our Skype hub so Mina could sort of be with us for the day. It's funny since we leave it on for hours at a time and we can all be doing our own thing while Mina occasionally joins the conversation. It's not the same as actually having her home, but it sort of helps.

So that's what my Christmas has been like thus far. Simple, yet good. I'm glad everyone liked their presents last night - I was primary gift giver this year, it seems. The real activity seems to be the weekend since we're trekking down to Laguna to celebrate with the rest of family in something akin to a reunion but not quite. There's a pool involved, but I'm sure that I'll be hiding behind Blacktron. It'll be a good first test of Blacktron, hahaha!

---

Dogbert is so adorable handing out money, hahaha!

Tags: comics, dilbert, family, food, holidays, techie, thoughts, xkcd
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: The Boyfriend - I Could Be Happy With You

I somehow doubt my text options are going to be good as the Globe network will probably collapse later tonight, so let me get things out a tad early. Merry Christmas to all of my family, friends, co-workers and especially all you geeks out there! You know who you are!

I'm back at the family home in UP Village, still using my netbook Blacktron alongside my Mom's EEE 1005HA and my brother's Compaq Presario C700 (which is the same model laptop that got stolen from me last year). Yeah, it looks like we're having a LAN party or something, but that's just how things are in these tech-enabled times we're living in. My sister, Mina, was unable to come to home this year (which is indeed a major first) and so I've been running Skype for more than 2 hours now just so she can feel like she's just here with us, which is pretty cool. Hooray for internet telephony and all that.

Mom cooked up a batch of Mexican Relish (irony!), although her recipe is slightly different from the one I've been following from Mina. It's good too and I think I might try incorporating some of those techniques in my own version to see how that goes. She's also prepared a rather large batch of potato salad and she said she had plans of making fresh salsa. It seems we're having a Mexican Christmas menu this year, hehe. Oh, that and a fruit salad or something.

It looks like I'm the only one who actually bought presents this year so I guess that's a good thing. A Christmas totally devoid of presents other than cash would somehow be weird, I feel. It can't be helped - we've all been pretty busy and we're all a lot older than before so the time of Santa and more traditional gatherings around the tree are out of the question. But this is still Christmas for me and I still value the time I'll be spending with the family.

For other times, it's good that I have my netbook with me in a WiFi-enabled house, haha!

Again, Merry Christmas everyone!

---

Well played team, well played. =D

Tags: comics, dilbert, family, holidays, techie, thoughts
Current Location: UP Village
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Mika - Blame It On The Girls

First, a very Happy Birthday to one half of the Bunnies - Fire! Happy, Happy Birthday, Fire! Glad we got to bump into one another at the Pride March - hope I get to see you two again very soon.

Today was totally whoa. Tiring, fulfilling - in other words great.

The day started with me rushing home from work to wake up Tobie so we could get to SM Mall of Asia bright and early to get tickets for the 10:45am screening of Avatar at the IMAX theater. We had to go all the way South since SM North Edsa's IMAX theater is a LOT smaller than it should be plus I was hoping to get a little Christmas shopping in. We left around 09:00am and got there before the mall opened, so it was just a matter of bumming around for about 10 minutes before the ticket booth opened.

Of course our window shopping had us arriving at the ticket booth after a fair number of people had rushed into the IMAX theater upon opening. I was nervous about what tickets would be available since there were people buying tickets for the last 2 shows tonight, but then I guess I was just being paranoid. P800 later, Tobie and I had tickets with about 15 minutes spare. Given we both hadn't eaten anything that morning, we grabbed popcorn, hotdogs and those Mister Donut Smidgets and then we were all set. The movie was scheduled to start at 10:45am. Given the local theater administration and how late people arrive for such things, we started past 11:00am.

Avatar was a well-done movie for sure, but in terms of story plot it wasn't all that amazing to me. I mean seriously - this is clearly a rehash of Pocahontas and Ferngully and yet it also combines elements from Cameron's previous movies like those power loader style battle suits. Watching it in IMAX 3D was certainly worth it - it was a constant visual feast them teaches you that the purpose of plants, insects and floating seed pods is to remind you that this is a 3D movie by trying to pop out of the screen. Major kudos needs to go out to Sigourney Weaver for reminding us of how kick ass she really is. Tobie and I emerged from the theater a bit dizzy from the nearly 3-hour IMAX 3D bombardment, but it was still all good

After that we started scrambling around the mall to do some last-minute Christmas gift shopping. Given that once again we both had no idea what to buy as gifts for our families, I think we managed things well enough. We also picked up a few things for ourselves, one of the best being a limited edition version of Jason Mraz's We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things that consists of 2 CDs and a DVD! Whee! I was very tempted to get a Transformers ROTF Bludgeon but I decided against it given the crowds at Toy Kingdom at the time. I do have to go on record to say that OMG - Masterpiece Edition Skywarp is SOOO worth the P5,000 they're selling it for! *dies*

After all that got accomplished, we sat down for a very late lunch at TGI Friday's - a sort of early Christmas dinner since we're both going home to our respective families this week for the holidays. We had the Caesar salad and the Mushrooms, Chicken and Mushrooms, which still tasted as good as I remember it but it was clearly not as plentiful as it used to be.

I slept the rest of the day away so here I am, just about to start my day. Sweet, hahaha!

---

With luck, I won't be perceived as some of the more extreme gift givers here, hehehe...

Tags: birthdays, comics, geekdom, holidays, movies, sci-fi, the joy of tech, toys
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: Don McLean - Vincent

Given that I'll be with my family starting the 24th and in Laguna starting the 26th, what's any good geek to do in order to prepare? But of course! Secure an internet connectivity option while away from the Sietch!

Tobie and I had been talking about getting one of those USB broadband modems ever since Ondoy since that left us without DSL for a few days. With his work highly dependent on internet connectivity and my general geeky sanity also dependent on internet connectivity, it was essential that we eventually get one as a back-up option in case internet goes out. This was also going to be a primary option if ever we should venture out of town so Tobie can continue to get his work done and I can continue to function in general.

Yeah, I know my reasoning is pretty lame to most, but to us hard core geeks, you understand me right? I'm not addicted to the internet!

...I just need it.

I wasn't sure whether to get Globe Tattoo, SmartBro or Sun Cellular, so I did the best thing to help me decided - I tapped the social networks and started a Twitter / Plurk / Facebook discussion poll to sort through the pros and cons of each service. Given my priorities of (1) practicality as a prepaid internet alternative and (2) it's ability to function outside the Metro Manila area, the comments remained very diverse.

One thing that most people agreed on was that Globe Tattoo generally sucked and only worked well in specific areas.

Sun got rave reviews for affordability with its P50 unlimited surfing for a day option and its service performance thus far. What people can't seem to agree on is whether or not Sun works well outside of the city in the further provinces. Some swear it always works for them while others played it safe by only confirming that performance was good as long as you had Sun Cellular signal. I haven't really heard a lot of good things about Sun coverage though.

Then came SmartBro - a lot of folks had a lot of positive things to say about it and were all for it, but what really caught my attention was the fact that a lot of people also testified that it worked well outside of the city. Given this is a chief priority, SmartBro started to sound like a better option more and more.

So finally Tobie and I stepped out to deposit money at the bank and then go look for my dongle. after wasting some time window shopping at Datablitz, we finally walked into Villman to ask about the dongles. Originally the plan was for me to get a SmartBro dongle while Tobie was going to get a Sun dongle but without prompting the sales clerk blurted out that Sun didn't do well in the provinces. I'm serious - he actually specifically mentioned the provinces. Taking this as a powerful sign, I took the SmartBro modem and Tobie opted not to get one in favor of just sharing the SmartBro dongle if ever we did leave town. And that was that.

Does one even call this thing a dongle?

Now I just need to figure out how to reload this thing. It seems the most realistic solution for me is to reload at Fandom Cafe and other such load facilities. I'm hoping there's a way to use the prepaid cards too, but then it seems this option requires a Smart cellular number. Does anyone know if inserting the SIM card into an open line phone unit will allow me to load credits directly into it or will it not count as a valid mobile number? I am so calling customer service later.

But for now, I need to sleep. I'm only up this late since (1) Tobie and I had a nicely yummy lunch at Sbarro's and (2) naturally I wanted to setup the SmartBro software and test out the modem first. So far so good!

---

This strip appeared on Jayson's birthday. I'd like to think he would have loved it.

Tags: comics, internet, ocd, social networks, techie, xkcd
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: nerdy
Current Music: Lady GaGa - Bad Romance

Sunday was a recovery day, as is often the case after a massive party night at Bed. Tobie and I woke up closer to 04:00pm and he already had to prep for his company Christmas party in the South. I couldn't go along, which is understandable since it's still technically a work function, so I opted to make the most of my time at home by catching up on missed internet posts from the past week. Given how busy things were with Jayson's funeral proceedings, we're talking about a LOT of missed internet activity.

So Tobie went off to his party and I started sorting through about three days' worth Facebook posts, and maybe around 2 days of Twitter and Plurk updates as well. I was also organizing a lot of missed downloads from the week in order to bring myself back up to speed, although this only refers to having copies of everything that I was looking for, not necessarily having read and/or watched them. Oh joy. It actually took a better part of the night for me to get through everything and yet I still managed time to (1) cook a pot of munggo so I'd have something to eat and (2) write an LJ entry trying to summarize the wild events of Saturday night. Believe me, it was a LOT harder than it looked to get everything into a post that shared enough detail without becoming scandalous, hahaha!

By the time Tobie had come home, I had fallen asleep in what was originally meant to be a power nap of sorts. Original plans included going out to O Bar to bring Keith there but (1) Keith never answered our calls and (2) Tobie was unable to wake me in turn. So somewhere closer to 02:00am, I finally woke up, far too late to really make our way anyway. Damn you alcohol, you REALLY mess up the day after the drinking, don't you? But don't worry, I still love you!

It had to be the Jager shots. Jager does funny things to your head while assaulting your taste buds. Oh yes, Jager is deliciously evil.

Once awake, Tobie took the time to share all the crazy prizes he got from the party, the best of which (in my opinion) was this cute little piggy planter. It comes with seeds already and it's supposed to grow fairly decently, but quite frankly its appearance alone (plus the insanely funny Chinese-English instructions on the box) made it more than worth it. He had brought home some palabok for me and so I ate that while we finally got around to watching SyFy's Alice.

It was pretty bad though. Tobie thinks it was like Push levels of bad (which is really, really bad) but I'd like to think it was a little better than that. It was just very confused about what it wanted to do and how it wanted its actors to act and how it wanted to related to the original Alice in Wonderland story and possibly confused about whether or not it had a definitely story. Um. Okay, maybe it really was that bad.

By then it was nearly morning and so I set about cooking a major batch of Mexican Relish that will hopefully last the whole day. I normally work with about half a kilo of meat and this time around it was a full kilo, but things started to go bad once I started. First, we finally ran out of gas as I was trying to cook the meat and so I had to stop and wait for the gas delivery to come. When I was finally able to resume cooking, it was only then that I realized that I had accidentally purchased a kilo of Filipino-style tomato sauce, which turns out to not only be sweeter but is also a lot more watery. Ugh. So I was constantly adjusting my ingredients to make up for these shortfalls plus the fact it was the first time I was cooking a batch this big. Thankfully, I managed to pull through despite insufficient green bell peppers to boot and things turned out fairly decently. It wasn't quite my normal relish in terms of consistency, but I think I more or less managed to capture the taste I wanted.

This time around, we watched a better TV movie - Terry Pratchett's Hogfather, which Tobie had yet to watch. I'm glad he enjoyed it despite not necessarily being a fan of Terry Pratchett's Discworld books (yet? *grins*) and it made for a very lovely morning. We were supposed to go to sleep immediately after since it was already past 01:00pm however I realized that I had forgotten that I had brewed a pot of coffee before watching Hogfather. So now I'm here drinking my coffee and got Tobie to join me so he could drink his cup as well and we'll hit up the bank before bed since we're awake anyway.

But I still have work tonight, so boo. This was the reason I was trying to stay up all night as much as possible - the pressures of working the night shift. Oy vei.

---

I don't think this will help me figure out what to get my family for Christmas, LOL!

Tags: comics, cooking, geekdom, movies, social networks, techie, the joy of tech, tv
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: refreshed
Current Music: The Guild - Would You Like To Date My Avatar

It's been a week since Jayson died, and as much as I miss him and wish he was still here with us, I have to admit I feel a LOT better now on so many levels. This is beyond coming to terms with grief - this is Jayson working through all of us to make us better. I think that at the end of the day, Jayson succeeded in more ways that he anticipated. I love you Baby - you did real good.

Yesterday was crazy fun and wild across two events - the department Christmas Party / Team-Building and my return to BED. This entry might get a little long, but I'll do my best to keep it tight.

First the company event. After spending all morning doing last-minute prize shopping for the event, barely getting any sleep and not remembering precisely where the Linden Suites were, I managed to make it to the party fairly early. Carlo and I scrambled to rip off the price tags off all the prizes and mementos. In time, the rest of the team arrived (well, a number of them) and the food came a little later and then the event started in earnest. I felt things were a tad awkward still in the beginning but soon folks from different teams started to mingle better and I think the little party may have achieved some of its goals. After some Magic Sing moments, we finally started the program, gave out the prizes and celebrated the winners, even when most of them didn't attend the party. Then it was off to the next event of the evening.

Tobie picked me up at Ortigas with his Canadian director friend Jordan in tow. Jordan had visited Tobie to hang out and talk over a few beers and we just had to drop him off near P.Burgos on our way to meet up with the rest of the gang. He's a really nice guy and I hope we get to hang out more in January before he leaves the country. Then it was off to Brian's |kitchengod| apartment. Yeah, I know right?

So when Tobie and I arrived, Keith was already there and were having a few beers. We joined them and waited for Ryan to come up and for Chris to arrive as well. Drinks were light, conversation decent and not too awkward and Tobie actually managed to pet Brian's dog, Miguel! Good job Tobie! =D Once everyone was assembled and Tobie and Brian had found time to talk, it was off to Malate to finally hit up BED.

Once there, we met up with Perry and the fun continued on and one. Bobby was there in his Ninoy glasses and Joseph |squishtoy|otherjoseph| was too and later on Kevin and Raf came along. I was really happy how things just went well, everyone was talking to one another at one point of the night or another (and I mean EVERYONE). As much as I hate to sound clinical about it, but you have to admit that you'd think that a night where your current partner and your ex are together is a recipe for disaster, but it didn't. This is why I feel Jayson was somehow with us this weekend - he helped us all see past out differences, let go of a lot of the bitterness and resentment so we could all start trying to be friends again. Well, that and a generous amount of alcohol really helped. Curse Keith and his Jager shots and curse me for enjoying my first Michael in months way too much by having another right after. We were all over the dance floor drinking, laughing, trying to talk despite the music and making utter fools of ourselves, but it was just GREAT.

Some notable quotes from the night include: (1) "I can't feel my face!" (2) "There, there...at least you're still hot." (3) "WP!"

I didn't realize how much I had missed partying and dancing with my friends from before and I'm partly kicking myself for not trying to reach out sooner. Well, I guess that's a lesson to be learned and for now all I can do is try to make it up to everyone and see what can be done to integrate my old life with my new one. I'm thankful I have such amazing friends! Oh life.

This hardly captures everything, but I didn't want to start rambling too much, hehe. I'm still a tad hung over now, enjoyed a few bowls of munggo that I made while I watch One More Chance on Cinema One while waiting for Tobie to get home from his company Christmas party. We just might go out again with Keith tonight, haha! Look out liver!

---

Oh Pig, original luster is nothing compared to how you shine among friends.

Tags: archer, brian, comics, gay life, jayson, pearls before swine, thoughts, work
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: Irene Care - Fame

I never believed in Soul Mates. I've always thought that nothing is predetermined because I believe in God's gift of free will. I've been reading Coelho lately and his ideas had me thinking about a lot of things. There was for one, the idea of a Soul Mate. He introduced the concept of reincarnation and being a part of someone else who lived in the past.

In Brida, he says that Soul Mates are souls that once belonged to one being and were separated during reincarnation into man and woman. This separation continues and thus, they are scattered all over the earth. As these souls divide, they become weaker and they feel the need to find themselves, to find that part of them that has been separated through time and restore their energy with the experiences that their other self has encountered throughout life. This he calls your soul mate. Soul Mates recognize each other. They want to be together and it doesn't take words for each to know how the other part feels. He also said that it is possible to find more than one soul mate in a lifetime. This is the reason why people get confused and at times, it even destroys them forever.

I thought about this and considered the events and people who have crossed paths with me. This is when I realized that I have found my soul mate. I somehow know that despite the absence of confession of our feelings, that he feels the same way as I do. It is too late for us to be together though for he has found love in someone else. Yet, whenevevr we talk, whenever we meet, there is still that same old synchrony that connects everything between us. It's as if the whole universe is aligned to our hearts and the winds sing in harmony with our laughter. I have found my soul mate and it doesn't matter if we can be together or not. It is rare to find one in this world filled with so much suffering and hate. I'm indeed one lucky soul. If we can't be together in this lifetime, I'm sure that we will find ourselves in the next.

This will be extremely short - I'm running late after all.

The department has a team-building / Christmas Party tonight at the Linden Suites. Tobie and I went through a mad shopping spree this morning to gather all the prizes for the annual awards today. Given that we entered the mall without any idea of what to get and left past 01:00pm with pretty much everything I had set out to purchase, it was pretty impressive. Looks like the two of us combined have some rather mad shopping skills, hehehe.

Later still I'm going to face my past of sorts and return to Bed to celebrate the week with friends. Keith is still in town and deserves a good weekend here in Manila and at the same time I really need to reconnect with old friends and hopefully introduce Tobie to a lot of them. This is all your fault Jayson - hope you appreciate the effort.

Not so sad ever since the funeral. There are still those gloomier moments, but definitely not as heavy as before. Hope that's you I hear whispering to my heart Jase - only you can give me the confidence and the strength to face those particular fears.

Now to finish my coffee and then I'm off! Here's to good nights (I hope!)

Tags: gay life, jayson, work
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Jean Claude Ades - Fly Away

Hey Jase,

Tobie recommended that I should try talking to you when I really miss you, so that's what this entry is going to be like. It's not the same of course - what I really want is to hear from you. You know what I mean, right? Tobie says that I just need to listen hard enough or something and I should hear what you would probably say in my head given all the long conversations we've had well until sunrise, and there are times that I do feel like I can hear you. That's it really, huh? A part of you will always live in me and I'm definitely never going to let go of that.

Yesterday we finally made the trek to Bataan, considering how much you always tried to get us to go. It was a little sad knowing that the reason we were going was because we had to finally lay your body to rest and not to hang out with you and stuff, but I guess that's just how things are. Would you believe we actually hired a driver just to go see you? It cost an arm and a leg but it was worth it, baby. We knew we had to be there.

The last viewing wasn't so bad. You re-touched your make-up, which you probably wouldn't have liked, hehe. The first job was better but the touch-up could have used some work, I have to admit. You'd probably kill us all for using your graduation picture in some of the banners, but it was the only photo they could manage in so short a time. Heck, your graduation photos were actually there by your coffin, hehe. It was pretty funny.

Looks like they still tried to celebrate your birthday just like how Tobie, Brian |kitchengod| and I did. There was this awesome banner with your better photos from Facebook there wishing you a very Happy Birthday. I know, I know, you weren't all that excited about turning 28, but it's just a number sweetie - it doesn't matter much. You looked great in the photos - a lot of them were from the time you were living with us at Matilda in 2007, based on my estimates. So yeah, that was your Fitness First period, so you really did look good, hehe. The main photo was one you took in the RCBC Plaza bathroom, haha - you remember that right? You and I were still working at the same office then. Those were good times.

You actually got us to walk in your funeral march - and I thought I was never going to do something like that in my life. We walked you from the memorial chapel to the bigger church there in Balanga, complete with the sun shining high in the sky (*DEATH* as you would say) and cheesy music playing. Oddly enough, both Brian and I weren't able to wear shades so we just had to grin and bear the heat. I wasn't wearing my contacts since I had come from work and Brian had forgotten his in his haste to get to you on time. It was a good walk though, but I bet you were laughing at all of us enduring the afternoon heat for you.

The mass was okay and then it was a much longer walk to the cemetery. It was shadier though, which kind of fit - you would always take the path that was more comfortable, even if it was longer. I got a little weepy when I saw a flower shop and thought about getting you white roses - you know how much my heart leapt when you arrived at that party a few years ago with that ridiculously large bouquet of white roses. That was all you baby, all you.

Brian and I managed to hold things together for most of the day, but the final burial was pretty bad. It broke our hearts when they opened your coffin one last time and Jazz placed your favorite green t-shirt and your MAC powder in the coffin. We all broke down - just a reminder of how many people loved you so much. Baby, you touched so many lives even though you always questioned whether people liked you or even loved you. I hope this finally convinced you of that truth - no more "Pringles" moments please, okay?

He got to drop flowers on your casket before they sealed it off and that was pretty painful. Brian and I were there for you baby, just as you were always there for us. Your mom really made us cry even though we promised not to cry as much as possible. She hugged us to tightly and thanked us for being there for you at the hospital that morning. She thanked us for allowing her to still see you that day even though you weren't conscious. I wish we could have done more for you baby, but I guess we still did a lot.

I guess that's just how it is, huh? It just felt...right to me that Brian and I would be among the people with you in your last moments and again Brian and I needed to be there when we sent you along your journey. I miss you terribly, but I don't feel as sad as I used to. It still hurts in my heart when I think of you and all the good moments we had but then I also feel glad that you lived a pretty full life, never letting any moment be wasted.

And I do have to thank you for helping me and Brian see reason (finally!). We're talking again and trying to become friends again, which I know you always wanted. We may not quite be the old BryRox that you put on a pedestal, but we're still your Bry and your Rox and perhaps through us, some memory of you will live on even stronger. We each have a pretty big chunk of you, I think, and we'll do our best to share these pieces with those who loved you and those you loved in turn.

I spent the day with Brian at the new apartment. I have to admit it really is nice and I wish you could have been with us physically. At the very least, I now have your aviator shades (a gift from your Mom) and so bringing it around with me kind of makes me feel you're with us too. You always looked so good in these shades - did I ever tell you that? They don't fit my head quite so well - you know how wide mine is - but that's okay. They're not for extensive wearing - they're just yet another reminder of you and your life and what you mean to all of us.

We had a (not so) simple omelet for breakfast with some pandesal - just like all those lazy post-Malate breakfasts we'd have at Matilda before. We had some coffee and watched some downloads and even tried to start watching Party Monster, that movie you always loved. Sorry I was too tired to finish it - heck, I don't think we got past 10 minutes. We will set aside time to watch if in order to enjoy something you loved. Just seeing the beginning of the movie kind of tells me already why you liked it. It's very you indeed.

Hay, this is a pretty long letter - I haven't sent you something this long since that time you were in Bataan and I'd email you to check up on you. Hope you have the time to read this - I know you're having a lot of fun up there, wherever you are. We'll do our best to live your lessons and remind people of just how amazing you are. But they don't need much convincing baby - you did that all on your own.

Brian and I promised we'll do our best to visit you once a year (at least) or every time we miss you too much. We'll see if we can arrange for a picnic around your grave - I hear there are plans to get and get your tattoo design on it or something, which would be really cool. We'll take care of your mom as well - she asked us to try and visit her more so she can feel like you're still around. We'll try to visit to help put your stuff in order and see if there are things which we need to hide from your mom, haha. You know exactly what I'm referring to, right? Your brother already got a bit of a shock when he tried to look through your iPhone photos. *HALAKHAK*

Sigh, I miss you so much Jase, but I'm doing a lot better. I guess talking to Brian again helps a lot. We get to celebrate all our good times together - and there are just so many of them. We'll do right by you Jase, I promise you that.

You'd probably say this is all getting too, ma-drama or something, so I guess I need to wrap things up.

Hope you don't mind that we're going to go out tomorrow night - then again, I bet you're expecting us too. I finally go to Bed again with the old crew (and Keith too!) and order a Michael for you and dance like how you showed me. We'll have fun as if you were there and raise our glasses to you and I'll make sure that you have a spot beside me in our usual corner where we can make fun of all the other guys we find weird, hahaha!

I love you Jayson! We all love you. Hope you're okay and having a good time up there.

Mwahugs!

Your Rox.

Tags: brian, death, gay life, jayson, thoughts
Current Location: 4th Flr TQD Office
Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Glee - My Life Would Suck Without You

As always, first things first. A very, very, very Happy Birthday greeting goes out to none other than one of the most special, important and amazing people in my life, Jayson |kukuripupu|! Today's your day, Jase, so we better celebrate it properly right? Bring out the beer! Put on your dance shoes! Dress to the nines! Dance like no one's watching! Don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself! Oh yes, today needs to be a day for celebrating and living life for all its worth! Right, Jase? I know that's what you'd want me to do, and I'm really, really trying hard to do precisely that.

My started on an odd note - I got all teary-eyed on the MRT on my way to work. I'm sorry Jase, I know it totally must have looked back and perhaps people might have been staring, but I think I have a reasonable excuse. You see, the portable MP3 player that Tobie has lent to me for use kinda went weird and it first played David Guetta's Baby When The Lights Go Out followed immediately by Moony's Dove. With lyrics like that, who wouldn't want to cry, right? Okay, okay, still bad huh? I'll keep trying harder, Jase, I promise I will.

Tobie was awesome today - he suggested that we meet up for lunch just around midnight to mark your birthday. Better yet, he suggested that we should pick up Brian |kitchengod| too and so we did. We were hoping to drag Ryan out too, but he was busy so it was just the three of us - you would have loved to have seen all of us together at a table I bet. I was nice - we had another heavy dinner at Nemoto (remember this place?) and raised our glasses to you. It almost felt like you were there (I hope you were in the area) and perhaps you'll do something even better next year. Really - give us more time to think about it.

Oh, and I was trying to make a poem for you, just like how you recorded that audio greeting for my birthday (your voice was perfectly fine - honest!) but I guess I'm not quite in the poem-writing mood. Yeah, yeah, I know I'm being all melodramatic and such, but I can't help it baby. I miss you so much, it hurts to think about you not here. But enough about that - here's the haiku. It's not much, but I hope you like it:

Jayson Angeles
Dearest friend and confidant
Love personified

See, short and sweet, but 100% you. Don't say no! This really is you Jase, believe me. This is all you.



I've been trying to figure out what to write in this entry all day and it's been killing me. I mean gosh, how do we celebrate your birthday properly? You always thought of the craziest, sweetest, most creative things to do on our birthdays and other special events, like when you surprised us with that cake from Becky's Kitchen for our sixth anniversary back in 2007 or when you surprised us with that huge bouquet of 60 white roses during our fifth anniversary party. Only you would do things like that for me and Brian - your "BryRox" even if we felt the nickname was a little silly. Ah yes, even when we thought we were on to you, you'd always find a way to surprise us or at the very least make us smile like idiots.



Do you remember your first White Party with us? I know it was still a weird and scary time and we were still becoming better friends, but I hope it was good for you. I know I had fun and it was the first time that anyone had ever gotten a beer for me apart from Brian - it was a really nice gesture and I appreciated it a LOT. You it got better by the next White Party when we really had fun with Perry and enjoyed that ridiculous live mannequin show at Top and Bottom (which is gone now, can you believe it?). Oh, and who can forget the 2007 White Party when Kince |kince13| was in town and we even got to meet Deo! We got so wicked drunk that night and I distinctly remember you losing your shirt at one point in the night (hehe) but it was just fun, fun, fun! I'm so sorry I missed out on celebrating the White Party with you this year but I'll make it up to you somehow. I promise.

And think about New Year's Eve! The first time we ever celebrated New Year sort of together was at the start of 2005, and I have to admit we didn't know each other well enough I probably acted like an idiot. In 2006 I had work but by 2007 we were out partying again and we totally had a blast! I forget if I ever got to thank you for running all the way from Pampanga to join us, but really, THANK YOU! It wouldn't have been the same without you!

And it never will.



There are so many more amazing moments we've shared together over the years like dancing at bed, having a few beers to help you sleep, twiddling with your computer, watching porn together, raising wine glasses together, cleaning up a flooded Matilda yet again, talking into the wee hours of the night, endless chat conversations, and so much more! I wish I could capture everything all over again and tell the world just how much fun we've shared but I don't have enough words or blog space or time. That's how great you are Jase - that's how large an impact on my life you've played

I'm trying to do my best to be happy Jase, honest I am. But you know that it's really hard for all of us, especially Brian and me. We shared so much of our lives together and we've spent hours upon hours talking, chatting and sharing just about everything we could. We all looked out for each other and you kept me and Brian balanced so now that you're gone, the world's just that much scarier. You've touched so many lives, Jase - more than you ever realized. I always told you not to care too much about what other people thought but I know how paranoid we both get so it seems almost moot to tell you not to think. Still, just think about it and take a step back - look at everyone around you now and how much you are loved. Yes Jayson, you loved all of us so much - so freely and honestly - this is your reward! This is your best birthday present ever! Just look into all of our hearts and take a gander at all the love on your Facebook page - so many people are making sure you never forget how much we all love you! So where's the love now, Jase? Don't you see it? Don't you feel it? It's all for you baby!



So here's a great big HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAYSON! You know where to find us and we'll always be ready to have a good time with you. The party goes where you go and so does a lot of our happiness and laughter. I'll try to keep smiling whenever I think about you and I'm going to make sure I remember all the great times we shared. I'm going to tell everyone our stories and show then just how GREAT you are and how much you loved everyone around you. You've touched so many lives, but I am most honored that you touched mine.

I miss you so much it hurts and I'd give anything for just another moment with you, but I know you've lived an awesome life so far so I need to learn to live without you to talk to, to lean on, to look to for moral support and cheering up. It's going to be tough, but you know I'll find a way. You'll be in our thoughts and memories but most importantly our hearts. I love you Jayson Aquino Angeles! Keep the party going up there! You'll know that we'll be together some day in the clearing beyond the end of the path. It'll take me a while - hopefully a long while - to catch up, but you know I will. And we'll have so many stories to share and so many things to talk about that we'll get shushed by the choirs of angels because of our incessant geeky conversation. But it won't matter - nothing else matters to me right now Jase beyond knowing you're okay, you're in peace, you're free from pain and that most of all, you're truly, absolutely happy.

Happy Birthday, Jayson! I'll get through this - we all will. Eventually. I promise you that.

MWAHUGS BABY!!!

Tags: birthdays, death, history, jayson, photos, thoughts
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: David Guetta - Baby When The Lights Go Out

In less than 24 hrs, a very dear friend will turn 28. Jayson Aquino Angeles will not see the party his family plans to give him on Wednesday night. He was taken away from us too soon!

The earliest memory I have of Jayson is of him waiting under the store sign of McDonald's Pasong Tamo. From the very first second we met, until the last before he asked to sit down to take a rest because of chest pains, he always has the ready welcoming smile that will always tell you how happy he is just because you're in front of him. That's the Jase I know, he'll always be happy everytime friends share time with each other... let me correct that, he's happiest when sharing.

I guess, sharing is ingrained into the fabric of his being. He has shared so much to a lot of different people. He shares his things, even if they're very precious to him. He shares his files, his computer knowledge, his trivia, his thoughts, everything. We have wasted endless waking hours having arguments telling him to take it easy in giving too much of himself, I never win of course. But that's how he is! He is relentless to the point of being irritatingly stubborn about giving those he loved much of what he has.

Jayson has given me love. One that knows no sorrow. He has shown me time and again how he will always be there for me even when being there for me skewers his soul to the very core. He'll still be there, pushing me on, to survive, to thrive, to get out of bed, to stop crying, to think, to take action, to consider things, to live. Much of those times I knew that each word must have taken a piece of his heart. It pains me to wonder, when I am not available, was there anyone to do the same for him? Did I ever do enough for him to give full credit to what he has done for me? I will never know.

In the past five years (and my apologies to the friends who have loved Jayson as much as we do) Jayson's time with friends have been monopolized to a certain extent by Rocky and me. The three os us shared a friendship no one can begin to understand. There's this bond that knew no limits because everything that happens between the three of us just seems to be right. We had dreams that no one else can dream of, we loved songs that only hold meaning to the three of us, we danced like the clubs were only playing for us, we had secrets in, between and within us that we held sacred to the very end. If there was a heart that broke the most after ours when Rocky and I broke up, it was his. He was our number one believer and fan. He never gave up on us and when things got to a point when it was just too much to handle, he was there salvaging all the good things that needed to remain. We have always trusted him to do the right thing, whether it cost him his happiness. He's always wanted one thing from Rocky and me, to not live hating each other. We are happy that before the end, we were able to show him that we have not failed him. I promised him we will carry on in a better way, and I believe we will succeed, not because he wants it... but because he was right all along and believed we were better than what we were showing.

Jase, as we lovingly call him, is a man who deserved a lot of things. I know that if he had stayed longer with us, the love he really wanted to have, the person who'd ultimately find him would have been the happiest on earth. It makes me feel guilty at times when i think that had I not been in trouble, would he have found his love sooner? However, I'll always take it back and tell myself that it's doing a disservice to J's nature thinking that way. No one can stop him, not even Ondoy if he wanted to be there for a friend.

I am very lucky to have spent most of Jayson's last moments with him. We had so much fun watching shows downloaded from the internet, eating a lot, moving things from my old home to the new one, preparing things for parties, ending those parties washing dishes together, shopping for hardware, shopping for decors. We were discussing how we were going to revive his social life one again. We were planning a big thing for him after his birthday. We were both looking forward to it. We were excited. Jase was never one to live a shortchanged life. He saw a lot of things which are good when there were only nasty things in the opinion of other people. He has always been one to give every man a chance. He's been hurt countless of times, but you will never see him give up. He knew that if he believed in other people's chances, he should give himself one too.

There are countless things to say to Jayson, there are countless moments to recall. I have no one to talk to now when work gets a little too much, there'll be no one to laugh with when things go wrong, there'll be no one to deliver downloaded TV shows in the middle of the day, I'll be clueless in fixing my computer without him, no one will tell me I look ok even in the middle of a horrendous week, I won't have those early mornings arguing with him while copy-pasting chat logs with time stamps on messenger, no more weird Quiapo shopping trips, no more planning a Christmas in Bataan. Although, among all these losses, the love I have for him will always remain. I LOVE YOU JAYSON! I will not let go of that until it's my turn to leave this earth.



I am honored by being one of your friends.

Jayson, hours before your birthday, my last memory of you will not be the desperate time of Jazz, Rocky and me trying our best to keep up with your breathing while pumping that air bag. I know you will not like that. I will remember you... all of what you shared... all of you! You deserve to be forever in our hearts. I will continue learning life from you. I will continue learning love from you. I will always love the way you do, just like what Mama told us about you... you always wanted things to be happy. We will be happy, Jayson.
Tonight, I will play our songs. I will raise a bottle/can/glass to you. I will party for you, even if I am by myself, I know you'll be there laughing with me. Knowing you in this lifetime, Jase, has been nothing less than good times. The BEST times! Happy Birthday. I love you Baby.

It's very rare that I miss out on posting an LJ entry for a day, and it looks like I missed yesterday. It's already 01:00am as I struggle to start this entry, but I feel no regrets - what is inadherence to a silly little OCD pattern as compared to one of the best friends you'll ever have?

Exactly.

I held it together for most of the time that we were there, but started breaking down again when it was just me and Tobie in the car alone. I'm still pretty raw right now and I'm struggling to translate the maelstrom of thoughts, memories and emotions into and entry of sorts - this entry. Some might think this callous or silly, but quite frankly it's one of the main ways that I try to cope with such pivotal events in my life. I don't believe that all it takes is a blog entry to get past such times in our lives, but it has always helped me try to lay things out in a format that I can understand better. Or something like that. So here we go.

Jayson's death has naturally affected a lot of people and many are just finding out about the fact that he's passed on. As a rather online person, I've found myself cascading information to other friends, trying to relay the details of the funeral plans all the while trying to deal with my own grief. It's been a painful yet necessarily process, a very small service that I'm doing to help those who loved Jayson to find out and perhaps pay their respects in time. With the wake being held in Pampanga, doing so isn't an easy feat and most have started to flood his Facebook Wall with kind words, treasured memories and the best of intentions as he moves on to the next phase of existence.


Photo above painstakingly edited by Jayson

The day also found me and Tobie cementing plans to make the journey north to pay our respects for Jase. He was a good friend to all of us and very important in more ways than one and this was the least we could do to show how much he meant to us. I reached out to coordinate with a few others so they could hitch with us on the long trip - the longest that Tobie had ever driven to a place that none of us had ever really been to before. It took a while for all of us to gather at SM Cubao but once assembled, we were off on a new adventure. With very limited Google Maps information and a variety of text messages with different directions, landmarks and details of where to find the venue, we made the journey to see our friend Jayson off on his own journey. It took a fair amount of time, although not the initial 3+ hours we had feared but eventually we arrived at the house in Pampanga, the sun already long gone from the sky.

We were greeted by Jayson's sister Jazz along with their parents and were eventually led to see his body. This has always been a major moment of stress / dread for me in every funeral that I've ever attended. There's something about that moment when you finally peer over the edge of the casket to see one you love all made up and ready to be sent on his final journey. I think it felt all the more scary for me this time around since my mind was shuffling through images of his happiest moments alive and those darker moments in the emergency room. My hands could remember the feel of the sweat on his arm as he struggled to live, his chest heaving every time we pumped air into his mouth. I want to keep the image of my happy, smiling, loving friend in my mind and yet I also find myself remembering that Sunday morning, remembering how hard we all wanted him to fight this, to stay with us. And now he's just a body in a box - made up well, yes, but still just a body. His hair looked great - my thanks to whoever took the time to fix it the way he liked it. It was also nice to note he was in a suit instead of a barong - I don't know why, but it just felt better - somehow more him.

Oh gods I'm crying again.

I held onto Brian |kitchengod| as we stared at his body, Tobie standing a few steps behind. Jayson was very dear to both of us - the relationship the three of us shared defied definition with mere words. Jayson was the glue that held us together as friends, the kind and loving young man who wore his heart on his sleeve and trusted enough to pour out his thoughts and emotions to both of us. I struggled to hold back the tears as I wanted to be strong for Brian and our other friends, but even I could only manage so much. I know the body wasn't quite Jayson anymore - I had felt something similar on the first night of the wake of my father back in 2007. And yet, it didn't feel as light either - something still felt wrong to me and I couldn't quite place it. It's something I'm still thinking about and will try to address better later.

The family brought us out to eat and it took me a while to get myself to start. Of course there was really great tasting fish, and so that quickly broke past my initial awkwardness and soon we were being entertained by Jayson's mom, just telling random stories and trying to keep the mood light for everyone. It's what she had always done for Jayson in life and what she promised to continue to do despite his passing - his wake didn't have to be a completely sad affair after all. It was funny how the conversation ended up with the strangest topics like proper nail care and how she managed to get hers so long. Or about her need to wear make-up all the time since Jayson would always remind her to put some on so she'd look her best. Other family members joined in the conversation fairly quickly and as that progressed, I could see glimpses of Jayson in everyone as they talked. Maybe it was the way they put sentences together or perhaps how sometimes they'd grasp for the right word just like Jase did or a million other things. I felt honored to see a very small part of the loving home environment that shaped this young man that I proudly all friend but at the same time reminded me that he was gone.

I hate sounding selfish, but I guess it's inevitable in these situations. I can't help but feel angry that he's been taken so soon - that this rare and special friend that I love so much is already gone. Who is going to keep me company into the wee hours of the night at work now? Who can I talk to about everything from computer hacks to porn stars? Where is the man who I could bare my soul to and who continually honored me by sharing his with me in turn? Who was going to put his arm around me in a crowded bar, raise his bottle as a toast and wash away ally my insecurities about how I look, how I dance and a million other things and help me to simply have fun? I keep thinking about these things and so many others and find myself buckling ever so slightly under the weight of this loss.

The rest of the night was difficult, but not overly so. We continued to share stories and tried to enjoy the good cheer Jayson's mom was trying to share. But then time and again one of us would break down a bit and start crying. At one point in the night, a few of us had separated to console one another as the emotions just got too heavy. Eventually Jayson's mom found us huddled by the car and she went on to hug us, try to make us feel better, and also impart her own words of wisdom. I don't even know if it's right of me to share the details, but what I will document is how much she wanted Jase to know she loved him completely - both she and his dad did. No judgment. No disapproval. Just love because he was their son and he more than deserved all the love he could get. She reminded us to make sure we reminded our own parents about our love for them, to get past any bitterness and keep talking to them. Otherwise we might find ourselves without further opportunity to say what we always wanted to say. She loved him so much - we all did...Do. Always will.

When the time for stupid card games was past and it was getting pretty late, we had to say our farewells and make our way back to the city. We visited Jayson one more time and again I barely held back the tears as we all whispered our best wishes for him in the silence of our hearts. Then we left and made our way back.

As I stared at Jayson's body, I couldn't help but feel like...he wanted me to do something. It's hard to explain and I'm sure many people have said this time and time again, but it's the best way that I can put things into words. But that's precisely it - I feel like Jayson is asking me to do one more thing, or complete a number of tasks or something. I've given so much of my life to him even in such a short span of half a decade but I know I'd give him the world and more if he asked. I want to finish whatever it is he's left behind, but I don't know where to start. I don't know what he wants - what he NEEDS from me. I don't mean to sound arrogant in writing this down, as if I'm the only one who knew Jayson well enough to feel this way. But it's just how I feel - perhaps it's a natural consequence of the very close friendship we maintained. I always tried to be there for him when he needed me and he always tried to do the same for me. I feel that calling right now - I feel he needs me. I want to be there for him but I don't know how or what to do. It pains me and pulls at my deepest core, at my heart of hearts.

I miss you so much Jayson. I'll do you proud and live my life to the fullest as much as you tried to do. I'll do my best to get past this and continue be as good and loving a friend to others as you were to me. But it's so hard right now and I don't know where to begin. I can bottle all this up for stretches of time to keep up with normal life but I can't control when it's all going to come bubbling to the surface. Jayson, I'm always going to need you in my life and I'll try to keep your memory strong in my head. I'll always have a drink for you and I'll save a dance for you.

Oh gods, we never got to watch the Glee-themed drag shows at O Bar together! I never got to have you as a guest at the Sietch and I never got to try cooking for you. I just want to hold you close to me again, to hug you tightly and be strong for you. I haven't even shown you Torchlight and Diablo III isn't out yet! I want to see you find the love you always wanted - always deserved and I want to do a million other things with you. I want to try and find every single chat conversation we ever had, reconstruct every lost chat archive and save it in memory of you. I want to capture every status message we posted that only the two of us knew what they really meant. I want to recover every single text message exchange, every phone call. I want to find the memories of every single conversation we had. As deep as our friendship is despite the short period of time it had to grow and the rare chances we got to see one another in recent times, I know there was just so much more for us together. Fun to be had. Memories to be created. Stories to be shared. A life to be lived to the fullest.

I'll get through this - I always do. But it's going to be harder without you, I admit that. I'm strong but not quite as strong as I could be with you cheering me on. We were great, no AMAZING together. We gave each other strength and we shared each other's pain. You're my friend, my brother, part of me - everything. We are so much more than friends - we're everything that friends could ever be! I don't know what the future is going to be like without you laughing, you twiddling with some gadget again, offering me a beer, encouraging me to dance and probably make a fool of myself. I'm going to miss so much - our long chats that last until the sun rises, the rare times we get to see each other, the way you tell three different stories at the same time, the way you pout your lips when you don't know what to say.



I'm going to miss you Jayson Angeles. So, so, so much. I'll get past this but I'll always miss you and wish things were different. See that photo above? I'm holding on to you Jase - I'm always going to have a warm hug for you. I'll always be there to listen to everything you need to say and will do so openly and without judgment. I'll always be ready to do my best to find the words you need, to guide you in terms of the next things to do. I am always here for you and you know that you'll always own a part of my heart, my life, my soul.

Fare thee well my friend in this next great journey. The tears I shed burn but they are freely given to honor your memory. I waste water by giving moisture to the dead, but you are worth every drop.

I am a friend of Jayson Angles.

And I always will be.

I love you.

Tags: death, gay life, history, jayson, thoughts
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: morose
Current Music: Glee - Keep Holding On

Jayson Aquino Angeles died at 01:18pm today due to cardiac arrest. He was going to turn 28 on the 16th.

Jayson was a very important person to me and to many others. I'm going to miss him terribly. This is as close to a eulogy that I'm going to get, I suppose and already I fear even my abilities as a word smith will fail me. But to honor his memory in the best way that I can, I know I need to do this.

I met Jayson under the most unusual of circumstances - he was a new friend Brian |kitchengod| had made online and they had started hanging out for a bit. They were friends before I finally got to know him more and oddly enough we hit it off rather well - a LOT better than I had ever expected. We fast became friends despite the circumstances of that period (it was rather turbulent for me in more ways that one and it was probably even worse for him) and I found myself talking to him more and more. Clubbing nights were a lot more fun with him along since he'd always make sure to stay with me when everyone else was off dancing and we'd have fun making fun of everyone else from our corner of the dance floor. He'd always get me to dance and is one of the few people who ever tried to drag me up to the ledge at Bed (and succeeded). Whenever I hear the song Shining Star by Get Far, I'll always remember having my arm around Jayson's shoulder with his around mine and we'd be drinking and dancing to the beat.

We were techie friends and would geek out about this and that. We'd share torrents and tips and tricks in tweaking the latest version of Windows or the newest Google app. We liked the same kind of guys and would have seemingly mindless nights talking about our favorite actors, models and even porn. Jayson and I just had so much in common that we could talk about just around anything.

But beyond the friendship, there was so much more than I could put into words. Besides the fun stuff, we'd talk about our life struggles, our challenges with relationships and hopes for future careers. Jayson was my confidant and I was his - we shared our most sacred secrets and our heart of hearts. I knew that if everything went bad, he'd be there for me just as much as I would always be there for him. I never thought that this would happen had I just met Jayson off the street, but it did. And my life was forever changed because of him - definitely for the better.

Even when Brian and I broke up this year, Jayson was the one who came in and tried to keep us talking in order to salvage the friendship. I know things could have gone a lot worse had he not been there for both of us and I only hope I do him proud in this regard somehow. His goal was a rather lofty one, but a worthy one since he wanted to make sure the three of us - Brian, Jayson and me - would always be a trio of our own. Jayson gave so much of himself every single time in whatever he did.

He was a man who was never afraid to open his heart to others and to put things on the line. Yes, he got burned because of this time and time again but he never stopped trying - he'd never give up. I did my best to be there for him everything he was hurt as he was always there for me. As much as I wish that he could have found someone who would truly love him as he loved us all, even I have to admit that a selfish part of me always wanted to keep him for myself. That's how amazing a friend he was to all of us - he was the kind of guy who would make you feel like the most important person in the universe and didn't expect anything in return. That kind of loving is rare and I did my best every time to show my own love and affection for him in return.

Jayson was many things to many people - a friend, a brother, a son - what have you. He was important to all of us and he will be sorely missed.



In the wee hours of December 13, I found myself wanting to change my Facebook profile photo. I changed it to a photo of Jayson, Deo and myself. It was a recent photo and one of the rare times that I had managed to see him in recent months. I don't know why I chose this photo in particular, but I did. I guess now I know.

I will always remember the smiling, laughing Jayson in my mind in celebration of life. That's what he taught us - to find the joy in life, to celebrate every day - to love freely. We love you and miss you Jayson.

You'll always have a place in my heart.

Tags: death, gay life, jayson, photos, thoughts
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Get Far - Shining Star

What is up with today? I feel like so many people have been inviting me out today at the last minute. An officemate had plans of celebrating her birthday at Red Box earlier. A high school friend checked if I'd be in the Makati area tonight since he would be too. An online friend of mine just asked me if I'd be in Malate. Oh, and a client has flown in today and was also asking if I was hitting the clubs tonight. Weird - where were all of you when I wasn't doing anything on weekends? Unfortunately, today is a busy day - a Saturday gaming night. Oh yes, we haven't had one of these games in a while.

Tonight's group is different from what has become our usual Sunday group. This time around it's Sam and Aldwin with the currently visiting Marco guest-staring as a one-shot character that will probably turn into an NPC later on. I'm really excited about this game since we'll be playing Aeon/Trinity, which is a science fiction gaming universe created by White Wolf. So naturally as a science fiction geek, I'm pretty keen on the gaming potential of this series even though it has already been discontinued in the public market. This time around my character has the power of Electrokinesis with Technokinesis as my primary specialization with initial dots in Electromanipulation and Photokinesis. So this means that I can talk to machines more or less and I have initial abilities to generate a weak electric burst or just play with the lights. Yay.

Oh crap, the game is starting and I'm still writing this entry. And my flaw just forced me into an action I was trying to resist. Damn it.

This weekend promises to be geeky and gaming rich. There's the Trinity game tonight and tomorrow it's back to the usual Changeling / Promethean game. This is probably going to be the last game of the year - the next few weekends promise to be rather busy one way or another, so it becomes more prudent to avoid scheduling games during this period. But damn, it's going to be a long wait until the next gaming session. Boo.

We could explore the possibility of playing via Google Wave over the "break", although there's a fair amount of learning involved in transitioning to that gaming mode. Still, it's a pretty interesting possibility to explore, if only to get through the next few weeks without feeling the itch of gaming too much, haha. Yes, this is definitely an addiction of a sort.

And now I need to get back to the game.

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Oh Pig. This strip has horrible puns, and yet I can't stop reading! LOL

Tags: comics, gaming, geekdom, pearls before swine
Current Location: Sietch Creare
Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: Lady GaGa - Paparazzi